I Nanoed.

by Rai


Nearly every day I did, Nano. This year I received no badge, but I made great headway on a story I’ve been meaning to write for a long long time, and I feel great that I’ve entered this contest for 3 years now.

For 2018, these were my stats. I think I missed writing 3 days out of the month (the holiday and a day with a really long doctors appointment). There were a few days that I only managed 400 and some words, but most days I averaged at about 1,200.

The novel was called Freedom Falling, and as with most of my writing it was based on a true story. That, in itself, became one of the hardest parts. diving through old memories every day got sticky, left me with weird feels. Because of which, I lost steam a few times, but other times I’d hit a moment of lucidity and my writing flowed and flowered and filled me with pleasant feelings.

While it was refreshing to work on this project, I’m eager to get back to another book I’ve been working on that doesn’t require deep diving into my shadowy past – an education book on tarot called My Tarot Gatherings. This book, I’ve been working on since about… June of 2018 and have made incredible progress. In tandem, I created an online persona/company called Esotarot Earth. The last thing I did for this project before breaking for Nano was create my first tarot video. Now that I’ve been away from the tarot project for a month, this is what I’ve learned:

Social media is the death of all my creative impulses. 

The constant need to build a social media following took over the joy of what I was doing, tainted it, and made me anxious to continue. This reaction to social media is entirely a me thing and has forever been my Achilles heel, but man… all I want for Christmas is my pre-internet impulses to come back. Those days of yore when the creating was more important than the advertising – the impulses more pure because there was no pressure to perfect the ascetics of marketing. Creation is such a delicate thing. For me it’s as fine as the finest tip pen… which reminds me of a lyric I wrote back in like, 2008 for a song called Purples:

Rowing through roses and wine, yeah we do it all the time, because we are far to free and able. And I write my future with the finest tip pen, and for all it depends on, it fades before it makes a good foundation, something I can stand on, something to depend on.

Creation, is such a delicate thing. I’ve never liked pushing myself in areas I’d rather not be, that is, out in the public arena. Even age has not made me more capable of this.

I want to change how I apply myself to my future projects. I want to take away the pressure of social media. My goal is to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be anymore than what I am, which is… a person few get to experience who makes things that few get to witness. They matter to the people they matter too and that should be enough.

In closing, Nano is an exercise in this, in what creativity means to the individual. I Nanoed because the impulse was there to write, and I wrote (nearly) every day because it felt good to set goals for myself. I fell short of 50,000 words, and truth be told, I’ll probably scrap the 35,000 that I did write. It’s a process that is important for we as creators to experience.

Today, I’ve shared my thoughts in a semi-public way, and that feels good. Tomorrow, I’ll decide what makes me feel good and do that.